My Christmas poem for you...

Twas the morning of Christmas,
and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring
except for Bob's mouse...
and Mercy, and Bob to move
the mouse, of course...

The stockings were tossed
by the washer in a heap,
in hopes that some elves
might come do them in my sleep...
but since that won't happen,
the pile will stay for now...

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds,
while visions of gifts they wanted
danced uselessly in their heads,
because it wasn't gonna happen,
not in this economy...

Who wears a kerchief,
and who wears a cap?
Just good ol' shorts and a t-shirt
made for a warm winter's nap...
not to mention Mercy's
body heat at my feet...

When out on the lawn
there arose such a clatter,
why spring out of bed?
It's the raccoons...no big matter...
or the neighbor washing his car
at some ungodly hour...

Away to the window
I hobbled in a non-flash,
Tore open the shutter and thought,
man, that'll cost me some cash...
cheap-@ss blinds...

The moon on the breast
of the leaves I never blew,
Glistened like mid-day
since heavy rains just moved through...
and Mercy's been bustin' a gut
because she hates going out in the rain...

When what to my wondering
eyes did appear
But a miniature sleigh
and eight tiny reindeer...
no more dark rum in my
egg nog, I tell ya...

With a little old driver,
so lively and quick,
is that who I think it is?
It's Santa! Oh, %$#@!...
the milk is sour and
I ate the last cookie...

More rapid than job losses
his courses they came,
and he whistled, and shouted,
and called out their names:
(he also said some other things as
the pre-flight dinner didn't sit
too well with the antlered team...)

Now ELROY! Now TIMMY!
Now YOSEF and JEHOSAPHAT!
On SCOOTER! On BUSTER!
On CLYDE and now DINGBAT!
Who named you, anyway?

To the top of the porch!
To the top of the wall!
Oh God, there's the sirens!
Now dash away all!
(Santa on the post office wall
is not an image we need to see)

So up to the house-top
the coursers they flew,
Santa with his toy hauler,
to escape 'Boys in Blue',
since he was lookin' at
at least10 to 20...

Then in a twinkling
I heard on the roof,
the prancing and pawing
of each little hoof...
the fat guy is paying up if I
find any shingles damaged...

As I drew in ol' Mercy,
cleaning her paws full of mud,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas
fell with a thud...
those andirons HAD to hurt...

He was dressed all in fur,
from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished.
full of ashes and soot...
and soon to have red paint splattered
since PETA must be hot on his trail...

A bundle of toys
he had flung on his back
And he looked like a peddler
just opening his pack...
or a rookie thief who got
some bad fashion advice...

His eyes - how they twinkled!
His dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses -
The boy guzzled that Sherry!
(his breath left a little
to be desired, as well...)

His droll little mouth
was drawn up like a bow,
and the beard of his chin
was as white as the snow...
Got Milk, Santa?

The stump of a pipe
he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled
his head like a wreath
...getting ready to choke him...

He had a broad face
and a little round belly
That shook when he laughed
like a bowl full of jelly...
guess the Bowflex gift
didn't work out to well...

He was chubby and plump,
a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him
in spite of myself...
...and I mused that if he flew
on Air Canada he would be allowed
to spill over into a second seat
but pay for only the one...

A wink of his eye and a
twist of his head,
soon gave me to know
Santa's done some hard
drugs in his time...

He spoke not a word
but went straight to his work,
and filled all the stockings
except mine...
...what a jerk...

And laying his finger
inside of his nose,
said 'Oops, shouldn't do that!',
and up the chimney he rose...
why he doesn't just use the
front door is beyond me...

He sprang to his sleigh,
to his team gave a yell,
and away they all flew
like a bat out of that
dark place full of fire...

But I heard him exclaim
ere he drove out of sight,
"Which way to Poughkeepsie?
A left or a right?"

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Merry Christmas to all y'all!
Blessed be.