Humor for shop-heads

If you don't work with tools and have never been around any sense of a shop, the following humor may well fall short of its mark. A friend passed along this tongue-in-cheek 'dictionary' explaining the purpose of various tools, not unlike the style of Ambrose Bierce's "The Devil's Dictionary". (Click link for more on that one...)

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SHOP TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching Maple burl out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

OSCILLATING SPINDLE SANDER:
Helps shape flute blocks and then suddenly throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints, knuckle folds, and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh -- '

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning stripped screws in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to 'skillfully' make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your workshop on fire.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most workshops to cut perfectly good wooden boards into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the fireplace after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening cemented tin/aluminum caps and splashing the substance at hand all over your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms at the same time.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object you are trying to hit.

STANLEY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while being worn.

DAMM-IT TOOL:
Basically, any handy tool that you grab and throw across the shop while yelling its 'name' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the very next tool that you will need.