WHAT has happened at movie theaters?????

OK, so I haven't been to a movie in about a year. Not one to indulge the appetite therein, either. Alas, a rainy day, a gift certificate to Regal Cinemas, and a desire to see the animated penguins in "HAPPY FEET" all came together this Sunday afternoon. Forget matinee pricing...only a measley $7 instead of a full-fare $9.25 to get inside before you get soaked. Overpriced in my opinion, but at least on the brink of bearability, even with my curmudgeonly grumbling.

With a few bucks left on the gift card, I figured what-the-heck, splurge on the classic buttered artery-clogging popcorn and a diet coke to make you feel like you're really saving on the calories.

How do I begin? It's blatantly obscene, the pricing of food and drink at the theater. $4.25 for a medium coke...heck, the local grocery store has a dadgum 12-pack NOT on sale for $4.79. And the popcorn...$4.75 for a SMALL (bag) of popcorn, $6.25 for the large slathered bucket. "Oh, but you can get free refills." Didn't want refills, just wanted one. There is no defensible defense for it.

Now you have to know me and see me around other people to really have an image of and appreciate the following...I have had top-flight English teachers in my schooling that instilled in me a love for writing and a love for language and all of it's nuances...and verbally sparring and trading wit with others is one of my "Bre'r Rabbit's brier patches" (FYI, Bre'r, Br'er, and Brer are all acceptable spellings...). Bring it on and pity the fool...

So I begin lightheartedly musing out loud about the outrageous pricing before me on the board...and how they list a 'Combo #1' that has no price listed, which when you ask has no discount whatsoever to the total of 2 cokes and the popcorn...a point-of-purchase mind game to snare the unthinking human lemmings. 2 things became quickly apparent: 1) there are hoards of unthinking human lemmings out there, and, as a result, 2) it works. Just not on me.

Of course, the nice young lady taking the gift card was smiling and nodding in approval. Simultaneously, another literal counterpart of hers walked by only to throw in, "Sir, we have to; this is how we make our money..." That did it for me. If you've ever watched a nature show about Howler monkeys when they are being true to their name, picture that coming out of the mouth of a rain-coated 6'4" musk ox almost doubled over in laughter, peppered with an internal disgust. Sorry, ain't buyin' it.

Once seated in Theater 6, I continued to feel badly for the theater owner. Too bad they don't make much money off of the high ticket prices.

Too bad they didn't get much money from the Balantyne Jewelers ad running. Or the Cartoon Network promoting some monkey cartoon I'd never seen or heard of. Or NBC and the peacock plug. Or the Dodge Nitro commercial. Or the second NBC plug for their new series "Friday Night Lights." Or the third NBC plug for "You're The One That I Want" national audition and talent scouting show for new Broadway-worthy talent for a renaissance of "Grease" (starting Sunday night, January 7th...). Or the Kleenex commercial. Or the Lay's Potato Chips ad for 50% less fat (while most were sucking on the artery-clogging butter with a little bit of popcorn added in). Or the ad on Coca-Cola through it's history of being a part of major socio-economic benchmarks (spare me). Or a second Coke ad about a "Downtown" video game. Or a couple of one-two punches brought to you by Cingular Wireless to please make sure all cell phone and personal communication devices are 'silenced'.

Oh yeah, and then the upcoming previews.

The penguins were cute, too, Mumble and company...enjoyed it a lot.
I still marvel at 1) how adults let their kids keep talking out loud ad nauseum during a movie, and 2) how adults themselves do the same thing. Maybe they never learned. Or maybe they are just among the unthinking human lemmings that just dropped $19.75 for drinks and popcorn for a family of 3 (not including the additional matinee-priced admission fee of just $20 for an adult and two tykes).

'Bout the only thing I know for sure is that there is some Fat Cat or Fat Cats raking it in in spades. Please, don't cry me a river over who is barely able to make any money. I don't and won't buy it. Since News 14 is Time-Warner, it makes "Movies On Demand" and "Pay Per View" smell like a dew-laden rose garden of the first order.

'Nuff "Mumbling" from me. Carpe diem, y'all.